This article was originally published on Kueez
The Meaning of Life - Sold for the Price of Lip Gloss
There's plenty of junk and nonsense items you might expect to find being sold on eBay, but the meaning of life probably won't make most people's top ten lists. Guess the joke's on us, because back in 2000, that's exactly what one seller offered. "I have discovered the reason for our existence," they revealed, "and will be happy to share this information with the highest bidder." Starting bid was one cent - great vote of confidence there.
Eight bids later, someone won - and we use that term loosely - by offering $3.26. The seller still has a pretty high rating, so we assume the guy was satisfied.
A Dorito Sort of Shaped Like the Pope's Hat
We apparently now have the technology to create snack foods that vaguely - and sacrilegiously - resemble artifacts belonging to heads of major religious sects. Is that good? Probably not. Will someone try to cash in on it regardless? Duh. In 2005, this particular Dorito was touted as resembling the Pope's miter, the official name for his fancy hat. Hey, there are 1.34 billion Catholics in the world - certainly some of them would be interested, right?
Good guess - it ended up selling for $1,209. Impressive, until you learn a Cheeto shaped like Superman once sold for $5,000, and a Flamin' Hot Cheeto sort of resembling Harambe went for $99,900.
A Guy That'll Stir Up All the Drama at Your Funeral
First off, this might be the first time in record history that anyone's ever asked "Do you want to boost your funeral?" Call us old-fashioned, but we never thought of funerals as social events in dire need of boosting. Nevertheless, this gentleman, dubbing himself a "professional mourner," is offering to get your funeral amplified. His basic offering is crying for $50 - but we sincerely hope people will already be doing that for free.
Next up is the intriguing and enigmatic "Bahamian hollering," but really, you should just splurge and have him jump into your open grave for a grand.
A Bargain Basement James Bond Sold Secret MI6 Documents on eBay
Occasionally, a seller will throw in a little something extra. A keychain, a pocket flashlight, or maybe the personal data of notorious terrorists-- Wait, what? Sounds like the pitch for a bad Kevin James comedy, but that's precisely what happened in 2005. One unsuspecting buyer in the U.K. bought a Nikon digital camera on eBay for $30. Imagine their surprise when they popped its memory card into their computer, and found the faces and fingerprints of Al-Qaeda operatives.
Oh, and also top secret information about the MI6 intelligence service's computer system. Luckily, the buyer went to the police instead of starting their own crime organization.
Dolls with Creepily Detailed Reasons for Why They're Haunted
If you've ever seen one of the Child's Play or Annabelle movies and thought, "Man, I wish that was ME" - we've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that you're probably a couple of fries short of a Happy Meal, but the good news is that your dreams can now come true. All across eBay and Etsy you'll find porcelain and plastic dolls, all supposedly actively acting as vessels for otherworldly spirits.
For anywhere from $25 to thousands of dollars, you too can own a children's toy liable to knife you in your sleep. Who knew the world had this many poltergeists?
Handmade Medieval-Like Scale Mail - for a Guinea Pig
You say you love your pet, but do you love it enough to buy it a suit of armor? That's the question multiple sellers on eBay and Etsy have dared to ask. Whether you're taking them to a Renaissance fair or just live in a rough neighborhood, no pet can truly be safe without scale mail protecting its fleshy bits. Just take this custom guinea pig armor, which was put up for sale on eBay in 2013.
Ridiculous? Not according to the person who paid $24,300 for it. You laugh now, but just wait until their guinea pig defeats your hamster in a duel.
A Shoutout from Tiger King's Carole Baskin - Just Don't Mention Her Husband
If you love big cats and the mysterious and convenient spousal disappearances, have we got news for you. Cameo is a website allowing users to pay their favorite celebrities for short greetings and messages. Birthdays, bar mitzvahs, parole hearings - everything goes! Cameo's cream of the crop, though, has to be Carole Baskin. The Tiger King star may have allegedly fed her second husband to tigers, but for about $250 she'll gladly wish you a happy birthday.
Just don't ask about the husband being fed to tigers thing. She's estimated to have made six figures on Cameo alone - enough to get Joe Exotic's hitman off her tail!
A Really Old Grilled Cheese with the Virgin Mary on It
Move over, the Shroud of Turin! The linen, supposedly bearing Jesus's face, has nothing on a grilled cheese sandwich bearing his mother's image. In arguably the most infamous eBay auction of them all, Floridian Diana Duyser listed a grilled cheese sandwich with the visage of the Virgin Mary on it. Supposedly, she prepared the sandwich back in 1994, but realized after taking a bite that it was touched by divine providence.
She promptly kept it on her nightstand, encased in a plastic, where it supposedly sat for a decade without growing moldy. It sold for $28,000, to an online casino that's clearly making more money than it needs.
A Real Fake Boyfriend/girlfriend Who'll Text You and Even Send You Gifts
Tired of being depressed because you're all alone? Well, you can now keep up the pretenses of having a significant other without actually having one! Introducing the Invisible Boyfriend/Girlfriend, a service that allows users to craft their own real fake boyfriend. First you fill out a questionnaire, then choose what they look like. Finally, you select a "how we met" story. For $25, you'll receive texts from your supposed lover - sent by real people.
You can even splurge to have them send you gifts and flowers on birthdays and holidays. No longer will your parents and friends feel sorry for you - now you'll be the only one!
A Whole Bunch of Coffins In, Uh, Used Condition
We don't think we've ever had so many questions and existential crises erupt as a result of a single image, but here we are. These are used coffins, apparently being sold for $500. Now, we don't know if that's 500 bucks for the whole lot or 500 bucks per coffin, and we can't decide which sounds worse. That's mostly due to the fact that it seems like they were dug up pretty haphazardly and just stacked in a pile.
That, in turn, leads us to believe that there's like an 87% chance of most of them being super haunted - and we're not falling for THAT again!
A Pretty Reasonably Priced Imaginary Friend, Slightly Used
Here's an interesting legal quandary - eBay has an expressly articulated prohibition against human trafficking, so would it be illegal to sell imaginary friends? To a whole host of people, the answer is a great big nope. Imaginary friends have been listed on the site repeatedly, for anything from $100 to $6,000. A 22-year-old London resident, for example, listed her best (and imaginary) friend Bernard with a starting bid of 99 pence (about $1.30).
It was done, Georgia Horrocks explained, on the advice of her psychiatrist. Said to be in "very good health," Bernard will be beamed to the winning bidder through Georgia's imagination, saving some shipping costs.
A Sneaker Signed, for Some Reason, by All the Members of Nickelback
Sneakers and other sporting apparel signed by the pro athletes who wore them have always been a good way to make bank. You don't have to be a basketball nut to want a pair of Air Jordans signed by Mike himself, for example. That is to say, the natural thing that goes with sport-related items is sport-related figures. That's why this shoe, signed by members of Canadian rock band Nickelback, is a little puzzling.
We don't know if anyone out there would pay $75 for their autographs period, but if that person exists they probably don't want them on a stinky sneaker.
A Ghost in a Jar, Though Realistically Probably Just a Jar
It's not every day that an eBay listing assumes no responsibility for malevolent spirit attacks. That's exactly what happened in 2003, though, when a jar went up for sale with bids starting at $99. Apparently, the seller used a metal detector in an "old abandoned cemetery" when they came across a wooden box with two glass jars inside. Unfortunately, they broke one of them, and a "black mist" seeped out.
Later that night, they were attacked by "The Black Thing." Since sharing is caring, they offered the second jar for sale. The winning bid was $50,922, but the buyer flaked, probably realizing how ridiculous the whole thing was.
The Right to Name a Woman's Then-Unborn Seventh Child
Rumpelstiltskin, that classic fairytale about a little imp weaving straw into gold in exchange for a young woman's firstborn, has nothing on 21st-century reality. We think the Brothers Grimm would have had a conniption if they heard about Lavonne Drummond. In 2009, this 36-year-old unemployed Arkansas woman sold the rights to name her then-unborn child, her seventh. Unfortunately, eBay wasn't having it, and promptly shut four of her auctions down.
The fifth somehow reached completion, settling on $6,800. The winning bidder, it probably shouldn't surprise anyone, told Drummond he merely wanted to help her out, and had no intention of either naming the child or paying up.
Electric Cutoff Decoy - Just $30 and What's Left of Your Dignity
Our lawyers have informed us that we need to be very clear on this point - we in no way endorse defrauding utility companies. That having been said, this idea is as ingenious as it is depressing. On paper, it's pretty simple - if you don't pay your electric bill, the people coming in to cut it off won't be able to do so if they see a wasps' nest covering the cabinet.
Sure, it's only a delaying tactic, but it'll buy you valuable time to-- umm, binge a few more episodes of The Office? We're honestly not sure what the endgame here is.
Birthdays Cacks, Endless Nightmares Are Included Free of Charge
We'll say this - at least the seller is being honest. While we weren't aware the term "cacks" existed until about 35 seconds ago, we can't think of anything better to describe these. They sure as heck aren't cakes, because cakes don't usually move oמ their own accord every time we turn our heads. Cakes, arguably, aren't supposed to scar children for life, either. But these "luxuries kids cacks" certainly will!
So let's see here - steamrolled Cinderella, substance abuse Minion, Luzz Bightyear, and what a demon thinks Mickey Mouse looks like - all starting at the equivalent of $40. Worth it, if an exorcist is included.
The Captured Breaths of Celebrities, from Kanye to Angelina and Brad
You may have heard about bottling and selling air. It's quite a trend these days, especially in heavily polluted countries like China and India. One company even sells Canadian mountain air for $32. Think that's ridiculous? Wait until you hear about the celebrity subgenre. In 2015, a bag of air supposedly from a Kanye West concert went up on eBay. From a $5 initial asking price, it sold for $60,100.
Hearing about this nonsense, Kanye's then-wife Kim Kardashian tweeted, "Wow, he can sell anything!" It gets worse. In 2010, a jar was held in the general vicinity of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie at a red carpet event. It sold for $523.
Horse Meat and Maggot Cheese Flavored Potato Chips
Here's an interesting idea - if your definition of "interesting" is "absolutely disgusting" - take foods that are literally illegal in America, and make potato chips flavors of them. You can get a couple of bags on eBay right now for $35. At first we thought this was a gag item, with nothing in the bag. How wrong we were. The company behind them, MSCHF, made it clear in its mission statement.
It says, "Born too late to explore the Earth. Born too early to explore the cosmos. Born just in time to eat horse chips." Available flavors: horse meat, casu marzu (a maggot-ridden cheese from Sardinia), and fugu (a Japanese poisonous blowfish dish).
A Mysterious Plant Growing Out of a Tennis Ball
What's the American Dream, if not the entrepreneurial spirit of someone leaving a ratty tennis ball in the rain and then trying to sell it to some sucker for 50 bucks? If you lived around Sacramento, you might've answered that question yourself. Will it grow to be a tree? Will it grow to be a rose? Uh, probably neither, but maybe someone was brave/dumb enough to find out anyway.
We're reminded of Jeff Goldblum's immortal words from the 1993 documentary Jurassic Park - "Life finds a way." While admittedly not as cool as dinosaurs coming back to life, at least this plant won't eat you. Probably.
A Bottle of Ranch Dressing - Bedazzled with Swarovski Crystals
There's a lot to unpack here. Right off the bat, on a technical level, this lady took pictures of a video on her phone and then uploaded those to Etsy. Now, we're not Sandra Bullock in The Net or anything, but wouldn't it have been easier to just take regular photos and upload those? Still, let's not get distracted from the main event here - selling a bottle of ranch dressing bedazzled with Swarovski crystals for $200.
It's kind of sending a mixed message - I'm swanky enough to pay 200 bucks for Swarovski crystals, but trashy enough to want them to cover a bottle of sauce.
Various Wasp Parts, for All Your Wasp Parts Needs
We've racked our brains over and over, and we still can't figure out who this listing is for. With the possible exception of people whose hobby is picking up hitchhikers and then eating them, we really can't think of a great target audience for wasp parts. Nevertheless, here this listing stands, proudly offering a wasp for sale - some assembly required, of course. Important note - don't be put off by the price tag.
Those are actually Philippine pesos, and 50 of them equal about a buck. One dollar still seems pretty steep for a wasp's leg, but at least they can ship it to you.
Scarlett Johansson's Tissue - Used Live on The Tonight Show
Everyone loves celebrity memorabilia. How boring would Pawn Stars be if people didn't bring in stuff like Joe Pesci's belly button lint? The thing about those items, though, is that they're not usually vectors for communicable diseases. In 2008, Scarlett Johansson decided to change all that. Appearing on The Tonight Show with a cold, she was given a tissue by host Jay Leno. She blew her nose, signed it, and then said she'd sell it for charity.
ScarJo even revealed it's more valuable because she caught the cold from her The Spirit co-star Samuel L. Jackson. Went up on eBay the tissue did, and it sold for $5,300.
Remember the Leg Lamp from A Christmas Story? So Just the Leg
What's the best Christmas movie ever? Ha, the only acceptable answers are A Christmas Story and Die Hard. This is about the first one. Remember the creepy leg lamp Mr. Parker wins in that contest? Well, someone on eBay is selling a very similar replica. We say "very similar" because it's missing the fishnet stocking - and the lampshade. It's really just a lamp shaped like a human leg, we guess.
The Christmas Story connection was probably thrown in to avoid placement on an FBI watchlist. The seller warns that "you'll need some skill to assemble this leg into a lamp," but promises to help. Somehow, that made it worse.
A Human Soul, and the Deeply Technical Reason eBay Won't Let You Buy It
Fans of classic country remember The Devil Went Down to Georgia, about the Devil trying - and failing - to secure a young man's soul in a fiddle playing contest. We guess the joke's on ol' Satan nowadays, because today, you just need to head to eBay. Since 2000, people have tried listing their immortal souls multiple times. Sometimes they aimed high, asking $2,000. One really sad Canadian guy was offered $20.50.
But to no avail - eBay forbids selling souls. The logic? If a soul doesn't exist, it can't be sold anyway. If it DOES exist, though, it would violate eBay's rule regarding selling human parts and remains.
The Science Is Apparently in on This Electric Hammer
He did it! He finally did it! Mankind has struggled with manual hammers for literally millions of years - an estimated 3.3 million, to be exact. Heck, in this world of cloud computing and Back to the Future-like self-lacing sneakers, the last innovation in hammer technology came roughly 32,000 years ago, when Stone Age man realized hammers worked better with handles. Pretty clever, but that's where progress stopped - or so we thought.
Now we know we've been fools. For only $250, you can be the proud owner of an electric hammer. And yes, of course The Simpsons called it, back in 1998.
Some Random Old Guy's Supposedly Haunted Walking Stick
In 2004, a 6-year-old boy was absolutely convinced that his grandfather's ghost was haunting him. We don't know how or why, but that's where he was at. His mother, in a feat of parenting that'd be studied by sages for centuries hence, managed to convince him that the haunting was limited to his late grandpa's walking cane. Where other parents might find a teachable moment, the mom saw dollar signs.
She assured the kid selling it would do the trick and so she did - it netted $65,000. The winning bidder needed only to write a note saying the grandfather was "there with you and you're getting along great."
The Thoroughly Gross Remains of a Beached Whale
The tiny community of Cape St. George managed to break both eBay's and Canada's laws. How? Simple - by trying to sell a deceased whale. In 2014, a 40-foot whale carcass washed up on Cape St. George's beach. Since they were told they'd have to dispose of it themselves, they decided to list it on eBay, just to get rid of it. Bidding was up to $2,025 when eBay pulled the plug, citing their anti-animal sales policy.
Later, it turned out it was against Canadian law to sell an endangered animal, even if it was deceased. Luckily for all, the tides sent the cadaver back out to sea, solving the problem.
Justin Timberlake's Stale French Toast - Sold for Over $1,000
Back in 2000, a teenager from Madison, Wisconsin, paid $1,025 for leftover French toast. Sounds nuts? Well, what if we told you that French toast was once noshed by Justin Timberlake?! Yeah, it still sounds nuts. True story, though. Apparently, J.T. rolled up to New York-area radio station Z-100 for a breakfast interview. He was given, but did not finish, French toast. When Timberlake left, the unscrupulous DJ put it up on eBay.
A bidding war ensued, culminating in 19-year-old Kathy Summers paying $1,025 for it. Timberlake never revealed why he didn't finish the tasty dish, but Summers did admit that it looked "a little on the burnt side."
This Contraption That Helps Cut Down on the 'Splash Factor'
There IS a waiting list, this post assures us, in what's probably the least true statement ever committed to writing in the history of mankind. Here's the thing: it's not that we think paying between $50 and $75 for this is too much - it's that we can't figure out what it IS. The only conceivable way to use this contraption based on its positioning would be a man going number-one.
The big remaining question, then, is why, good God, why? "Splash factor" shouldn't be an issue unless you're going number-two, in which case-- Oh, we imagined it and we think we're going to be sick.
A Quadruple Peanut, Which'll End Allergic People Four Times as Fast (?)
There's a sort of oddities subsection to many online marketplaces, which is where you'll usually find the REALLY weird stuff. Hey, who doesn't want the mummified remains of a baby Chupacabra? They can't all be the mortal remains of legendary cryptids, though. Sometimes, these oddities are nothing more exciting than, uh, a-- quadruple peanut? Yeah, that seems about right. It's cool, we guess. Not a peanut shape you see every day, for sure.
Is it 500 dollars worth of cool, though? We don't need Rick Harrison to call in a guy he knows to answer that that's a hard no.
Hideous (But Gorgeous If You Buy It) Hot Dog Couch
Firstly, leaving Baltimore for Neptune Beach, Florida, must have been quite the change for this guy. Suddenly, he didn't have to wait for the armed police escort to leave home anymore. But to the matter at hand - this hotdog-shaped couch. Credit where it's due, this vegan sad boy has strong principles, unless you'll pay him $500 to take a couch he doesn't want and got for free off his hands.
We've got nothing against hotdogs, nor anything against their integration in furniture. We just think that in this case, the manufacturers really went so hard on authenticity that they kinda forgot practicality. How do you even sit on that thing?
A Paperclip Bookmark from Tiffany - Exactly as Overpriced as You Think
Tiffany & Co., known for selling luxury jewelry and other goods for enough money to put someone through their safety school school, is apparently offering paperclip-shaped bookmarks. There's a silver option, going for $165, and an 18-karat gold one, retailing for the low, low price of $1,500. Now, we don't know who needs to hear this, but you can buy 1,000 paperclips right now for like eight bucks. Yeah, we checked.
Sure, Tiffany's may be Sterling silver, but you can't tell the difference without a jeweler's loupe. Also note that you can engrave the silver one, which honestly we would love to see them try.
The Privilege of Being Deceased Right Next to Marilyn Monroe
Few celebs have captured the public's imagination quite like Marilyn Monroe, whose memory lingers even today. As evidence, in 2010 three of her chest X-rays were sold for a combined $45,000! It gets creepier. After their divorce, Joe DiMaggio sold the crypt above her to entrepreneur Richard Poncher, who had the super creepy wish of being buried face down, so he could look at Marilyn forever. He passed in 1986.
Then, in 2009, his widow needed money, so she listed the plot for sale on eBay for $500,000. The staggering final price was $4.6 million, but no one paid it - or anything, as the bids were all fake.
One of the Most Famous Paintings Vincent Van Gogh Has Ever Created
We absolutely love the "Probably not the original one" in parentheses there. Oh, you figure? You figure this copy of Vincent Van Gogh's The Starry Night that you're hawking for 200 bucks isn't the original one? Why, just because the original has been on clear public display in New York City's Museum of Modern Art since 1941? Come on, don't sell yourself short - maybe THEIRS is a fake! Take that, MoMA!
As any connoisseur of fine art will tell you, after all, the best place to find the piece de resistance of one of the most important artists ever is by scrolling through Facebook marketplace.
Peanut Butter and Jelly Filled-- Eggs? That Can't Be Right
Ahh, peanut butter and jelly filled eggs - just like mom used to make, if your mom was a character in a horror movie. We got so nauseous that we almost didn't notice that this person pretty much gave it all up here. We mean, we think we figured out the recipe - put some peanut butter and jam inside half of an egg white. Doesn't exactly take going to cooking school for.
One last thing - isn't it weird that they specified kids' birthday parties and weddings? Like, are those the only two events this diabolical creation is good for? Not complaining, mind you, just wondering.
All the Things Britney Spears Just Can't Seem to Stop Throwing Away
Everyone loves celebrity memorabilia. It's pretty much the only reason to go to a Hard Rock Cafe. So while collecting celebrity memorabilia is as old as the hills, some celebs seem to have attracted a-- particular following. Take Britney Spears, for example. When she's finally freed of her conservatorship, she's really going to be surprised at some of this stuff. In 2004, someone listed used chewing gum on eBay, claiming it was Britney's.
The winning bid was - God help us - $14,000. Not to be outdone, one of her half-eaten egg sandwiches once went for $520, while a used pregnancy test stolen from her hotel bathroom fetched $5,000.
A Whole Bunch of Animal Poop, from Dogs' to Gorillas' and Elephants'
Remember back in the day, you'd take dog poop, put it in a bag, set it on fire, and then place it next to someone's door? No? Well, anyway, the point is that it's not the '80s anymore, and mankind's progress has brought new, terrifying innovations. Multiple websites now offer users the opportunity to select the dropping of their choice of animal, and then have them mailed to a friend/enemy.
You can choose dogs, where a two-pound bag will set you back $20, but you should really splurge on elephant, gorilla or horse poop. It's a little more expensive, but you can't put a price on satisfaction.
The Most Rad Ride Sharing Experience You'll Ever Have
Companies like Uber and Lyft have truly changed the game of transportation, taking it from the capable hands of trained professionals like bus and taxi drivers and depositing it in the extremely sketchy hands of your neighborhood weirdo. You can get where you're going, with the added thrill of not knowing whether you'll be kidnapped and dismembered - what's not to like?! Honestly, the only way it could possibly be better is through this guy's services.
Sure, his 1989 Pontiac Firebird has seen better days - and, frankly, so has he - but until Uber gives us our very own hype man/dealer, we'll stick with this rad dude.
The Complete, Comprehensive Record of What Some Guy Did on Facebook
You might remember the 2018 Cambridge Analytica scandal as that thing you were barely paying attention to because you were too busy playing Candy Crush. Well, Oli Frost was paying attention. The Londoner figured that if everybody else was making bank off his personal data he might as well too, so he listed the entirety of his Facebook history on eBay. The data included every post and comment he made and every photo and video he ever uploaded.
Also included were other important things like how many happy birthdays he got every year. Unsurprisingly, eBay kiboshed the listing after 44 bids reached the equivalent of $400.
A Nissan Altima Car Door Handle - Signed by George Washington
There's a bustling online secondary market for car parts, including door handles, but this has to be a first. Not content to merely selling the door handle to unfortunate Nissan Altima owners who'd had an accident, this enterprising seller decided to sweeten the pot a bit. They did just that by claiming the door handle was signed by America's first president, George Washington.
Now, far be it from us to impugn the integrity of a random guy on the internet, but we think we're going to need to see some provenance. The first Altimas came out in 1992, while Washington passed in 1799, so something doesn't add up.