Botox Is Perfect for Filtering Your Expressions
We all have things that we do naturally that we probably wish we could change. Sometimes these things can get us into some trouble, such as when we react before thinking about how the other person might feel. This person tweeted that they were planning to get Botox, "not for aging reasons" but because they wanted to stop their face from reacting before their brain had a "chance to weigh in."
It might sound a little drastic, but it also sounds like a pretty sound plan. If they want to keep their face from reacting, then we honestly can't think of a better way.
This Takes Patience and Dedication
We're still not quite sure if this parent's plan is an act of heartwarming genius or just diabolically funny. This parent says that one of their children broke a window 20 years ago and never admitted to it. Unbeknownst to the perpetrator, the parent recorded the whole thing on a security camera and plans on showing the footage at their child's wedding. Either way, the perpetrator has probably long forgotten about the window they broke when they were a small child.
Still, we're sure that memory is going to come back to them, as are all the denials they probably issued when they were still a little kid running around and breaking windows.
Neither Do We, Bro
With seemingly everything you do today requiring a password, whether it's signing up for a newsletter or buying something online, sometimes it feels like it's all just too much. Apparently, Doc McStuffins on Twitter thinks so too. He tweeted, "I don't know about you'll, but I don't have any passwords left in me." We couldn't agree more, and we know others out there dread hitting that "Forgot Password" button every time.
It's even worse that experts recommend you use a different password for every single site. We can barely remember what we ate yesterday, much less what password we used on some random site a month ago.
This Cow Said "not Today, Satan"
Someone shared this tweet detailing a harrowing story that occurred at a slaughterhouse. The tweet that was shared read, "Cow escapes on way to slaughterhouse, smashes metal fence, breaks human's arm, and swims to uninhabited island where she still lives." Not only did the cow escape, but it sounds like it did so in style. The whole story sounds like you'd imagine a scene in an action movie to play out.
After an escape like that, it's not very surprising that the workers at the slaughterhouse just allowed the cow to live uninterrupted on the island. It probably earned their respect.
Her Mom's Manifesting Worked
Usually, marriage is a reason for celebration and happiness. However, when you're having your marriage on a beach while a storm bearing your ex's name is bearing down on you, there might be a reason for concern. That's what this person tweeted about her father's wedding, and we can't help but feel sorry for him. Sure, it's most likely just a coincidence, but we're sure the irony wasn't lost on anyone at the wedding.
Still, it's probably going to make for a pretty funny story in the future when all of the parents get together for family events and such. The daughter already seems to be having a laugh.
Ya'll Better Start Using Those Turn Signals
Everyone has their pet peeves, and we think we might be able to guess what really irritates the person in this exchange. Someone asked people on Twitter what idea they think would make the world a better place, no matter how dumb it might sound. A person named Katie responded and said, "If you don't use a turn signal, your car doesn't turn." Honestly, we don't see anything wrong with this.
There might be a lot of people missing their exits at first and maybe a couple of wrecks, but after everyone got used to it, the roads would be much safer places.
This Person Has Their Priorities Straight
Sometimes, you'd rather just stay in at night and watch a movie or something than go out and have drinks. Unfortunately, it can be hard to come up with an excuse to tell your friends or coworkers. Luckily, this person's coworker pretty much provided the world with the best excuse we've ever heard for avoiding a night out. When asked if they wanted to go out, the coworkers said that they couldn't because they had an "avocado at home that's about to go bad."
And in the coworker's defense, avocados can be pretty finicky when it comes to going bad. Still, if you ever needed an excuse not to go out, then now you have one.
Best Friends Are Always Down To Party
We've never thought about it like this before, but the person who made this tweet is 100% right. They say the best thing about a dog is that they're always excited when you're excited, despite not having the slightest clue about what's going on. They're just happy that you're happy, basically meaning they're always down to party. We can think of tons of different things that make dogs great, but always being excited just because you're excited might be one of our favorites.
They're basically like that one friend who always seems super excited every time something great happens in your life, except they don't actually know what exactly is going on, which is adorable.
This Feels Painfully True
Sometimes people say things that surprise you. And sometimes, those things just hit you in the feels, such as this statement someone posted and attributed to a colleague. The poster says that a colleague told them, "To be clear, I'm not depressed. I'm reacting appropriately to the world around me." That has a lot of different implications, and nearly all of them are pretty bleak. The person who tweeted thought so too.
At the end of the tweet, they simply wrote, "Oof, felt that." It sounds like whoever said that statement might be able to relate to Charles Darwin and his notoriously bad day.
Please Netflix, We Need Some Motivation Out Here
The constant pop-up asking if we're still watching is probably one of the most annoying things about Netflix. Of course, the platform knows that you're in the middle of binge-watching an entire season of something. That's literally their goal when they make programs. Yet, for some reason, they want to pause the show every other episode to make sure you're still paying attention. This person actually tweeted a much better alternative.
If Netflix was serious about making sure you're consuming a healthy amount of television, they'd remind you that you need to go and finish the laundry you started earlier.
"Bless Your Heart" Works, Too
As it turns out, being able to read a word is one thing; being able to pronounce that word is something completely different. We're sure most people have been called or confused by someone after mispronouncing a word we thought we knew. This person seems to have devised the perfect solution. They said that there should be a hotline people can call to practice saying a word right after they read it.
The person on the other end of the phone would then respond, "Oh, sweetie," before explaining that you're nowhere near close to pronouncing the word correctly and explaining why.
The Grass Is Always Greener In Greece
We're sure that plenty of children of immigrants can relate to this one. This person said that her parents left Greece for a better life, but now that she's older, all she wants to do is "live in a village in Greece." It certainly sounds like an ideal life. Who wouldn't want to spend their days lounging away on a Greek island? It sounds better than living in a suburb somewhere.
Although, we're also pretty sure that her parents didn't really have a whole lot of options and had to move in order to look for work and find a steady income at the time.
This Is the Type of Thinking We Need More of in This World
There are some things that restaurants do that just don't make much sense when it comes to food, and this is one of them. Most nachos always come on small to medium-sized plates piled high with toppings. But why? There's a better way, and you can thank this person for pointing it out. In his tweet, he's calling for wider and shorter plates of nachos. Basically, he's calling for no more towers made of nachos.
It would allow for the toppings to cover all of the nachos instead of just the top layer. He ends his tweet with "Stand with me." Don't worry JRGin; we stand with you.
This Is One Way to Disappear
We've never quite thought about it like this before, but this woman's reason for taking her husband's last name makes perfect sense. She tweeted that just because she took her husband's last name doesn't mean she doesn't believe in feminism; it simply means she doesn't want anyone from high school to ever be able to find her. If you wanted to make it so nobody would ever find you, then this would be one way of doing it.
Now, why you would never want anyone to be able to find you as if you committed some kind of crime or something is another matter: one that has us very curious.
Even The Greats Have Bad Days
The people we read about in history books might seem like larger-than-life figures to us today, but they were just people like everyone else. This tweet detailing a letter from Charles Darwin shows just that. Darwin once wrote, "I am very poorly today and very stupid and hate everybody and everything." The letter is from October 1, 1861, which apparently wasn't a great day for the legendary scientist, who theorized evolution was driven by natural selection.
However, this letter is also kind of tragic, considering many think he was plagued with anxiety and depression throughout his life, which makes his accomplishments all the more extraordinary.
We're Laughing Now, but This Person Might Be Onto Something
Most people would agree that the last couple of years have been pretty rough, but the definition of rough is all relative. This person thinks that in 10 years, we're going to look back on this era with a bit of fondness. We hope they're wrong, but they wrote that in 10 years, there's going to be a moment where you pull a mask from out of your pocket and chuckle.
That's right before you grab your machete and continue your journey across a wasteland, quickly ducking "roving gangs of cannibal raiders." We hope not, but they may be on to something here.
Actions Like This Don't Deserve Forgiveness
You don't have to be an inattentive driver to have accidentally sat at a green light for a second and not noticed. However, there always seems to be that one person who honks their horn before you even have a chance to put your foot on the pedal. This person tweeted out an apology for everyone that has ever found themselves in a similar situation, and it reads like gold.
He starts by apologizing for sitting there for an "extra .74 seconds" and concedes that the person who honked could've lost their job over that time. He also says that the honk "serves as a harsh reminder."
Cats Don't Care About Your Feelings
Cats are great pets, but let's be honest; they can be kind of self-centered sometimes. This cat owner discovered that her cat really wasn't coming up to her and sitting in her lap because she missed her owner's company. She and her boyfriend discovered that their respective cats were only coming up to them because they enjoyed sitting in their favorite spots, regardless of which owner was actually there.
We don't know if we'd be hurt by that or just amused. Thankfully, the person who tweeted their story out doesn't seem to have had their feelings hurt too much.
He Probably Has an Avocado That's About to Go Bad
We're sure most people can relate to this guy's tweet. Parties can be fun for a while, but there usually comes a time when you find yourself enjoying time spent at home more than time spent partying until two in the morning. This guy tweeted, "I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties; now I sneak out of parties to go to my house."
Oh, how things change. We're sure the version of Douglas Boneparth that snuck out of houses never would've imagined he'd one day be discreetly sneaking out of parties.
Winter Time Woes for Bidet Users
Nothing beats a bidet, but like everything else in life, they do have their drawbacks. This bidet user took to Twitter to tell everyone about what sounds like a pretty traumatic experience he just had with his bidet. He says that his power went out in 0° weather. So, naturally, his water heater stopped working, and he was left with freezing cold water when he went to use his bidet.
He added that he "saw things" while using the bidet, which kind of makes us wonder what kind of things this guy is talking about. The whole thing sounds pretty punishing.
Dad Jokes Really Do Mark the Start of Adulthood
We don't know whether to laugh at this tweet or just feel bad. This person made what might be the most "dad" dad joke of all time, and his parents basically just stopped referring to him as a son afterward. His parents were cooking a tenderloin when he was home for the holidays, and he said that "Budapest is going to love this." You can probably tell where this joke is heading.
Basically, he told his parents that he named his stomach Budapest because it's the capital of Hungary, and that's when they knew that their little boy had grown up.
It's the Little Wins That Matter
If you've never grown up in an area that gets a lot of snow, then you probably never got to experience snow days as a child. However, don't worry; the feeling of having a snow day is something akin to not having to wash out a measuring cup after using it for water. At least, that's what this person says, and we're actually pretty inclined to believe her because it actually feels really great not having to wash something out.
Still, actual snow days are also pretty fun as an adult, particularly if you don't have to go to work that day and you're left doing whatever you want at home.
It's Just Not the Same Thing
The math might work out the same, but watching a 4-hour movie is not the same thing as watching eight 30-minute episodes back to back. It just isn't. For whatever reason, it's easier to binge-watch an entire season than it is to watch a full-length movie. And we've never even really thought about it like that until this person pointed it out in their tweet. Maybe it's because there aren't other people around when you're watching episodes.
Not to mention, the snacks at the movie theaters are just terribly expensive, while you can have whatever you want sitting in your bed and streaming at home.
"Vermillion" Will Always Mean Green in Our Hearts
If you always thought that the word "vermillion" refers to a shade of green instead of a shade of red, you wouldn't be alone. This person tweeted that it makes them a bit sad every time they're forced to confront the fact that Vermillion actually refers to red and not green. It just sounds like it'd be a shade of green. Maybe that's because the word "verdant" sounds similar and refers to lush greenery.
It could also be because "vermillion" just sounds like a type of reptile. Who knows, either way, this person is on to something, and now we're kind of disappointed the word refers to a shade of red, too.
Dracula Was the Original Introvert
We've never quite thought of Dracula as the type of person who tries to avoid social situations, but after reading this tweet, that totally makes sense. The guy only goes out at night, and when he does come across people, they're usually only one-on-one encounters. As this guy states in his tweet, Dracula also just dips out by turning into a swarm of bats whenever too many people show up.
"Sleep all day, live alone in a castle, and explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations," he writes, adding that "Dracula had it right."
Most Accurate Representation of What a Mother Ever
For whatever reason, it's difficult not to read this tweet in a mother's voice. Someone tweeted that what America really needs is a mom to talk it out of dumb decisions, such as starting another war when it already has two that haven't been finished. The mom would probably ask America if it had "new war money," which it most definitely does not, no matter which way you look at it.
In fact, everyone should probably have a conversation with themselves like this before making any decision they're not sure about. It's just sound advice that anyone can use.
The Best Description of Jury Duty We've Ever Seen
It's not very often you read or hear someone describe something as mundane as jury duty and manage to make it sound like you're taking part in a mystery with Scooby and the gang. However, that's exactly what this tweet sounds like. This person writes, "Jury duty is a wild concept; whenever the government wants, they can just like 'call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder..."
Now that we think of it like that, jury duty is kind of wild, although it might be time for them to start compensating people with more than $15 for a day.
Maybe Expand This to Days in Bed
Calls for three-day weekends are growing more common, and we really hope they become a reality one day because that day of doing nothing but laying in bed is much needed. It's especially needed if you're going out the night before and doing "social activities." And even if you're not going out and partying or anything, a day off work, just laying in bed, sounds better than a day spent going to work.
Although, we're not so sure that we're as big of fans of hearing staying in bed referred to as some kind of Victorian-era disease that sounds like you're decaying.
Time to Break Out That Vintage Campbell's
This is the kind of comment that makes us wonder why nobody has ever thought of an idea like this before. This person tweeted asking why soup tasting isn't a thing, but wine tasting is. Honestly, an event where you just go around tasting soup (out of your own bowl, of course) while also having fresh bread sounds like a great time. And anyone could participate since it's a nonalcoholic event.
Arguably, why not just combine the two events into one and have a tasting where people sample both wine and different soups? You could cater to both audiences.
This Should Honestly Be a Crime
We get that it's good to have smaller portions, but this person is right; four individual kinds of ravioli are nowhere near enough for one person. It doesn't matter how good the dish tastes if you're still hungry after your meal. So, if you're a restaurant owner and you're reading this, please increase the number of ravioli included in your dish. We'd even be okay with you cutting back on the spaghetti pasta if it meant more ravioli.
Of course, if the ravioli is the same size as a person's face, then it might be okay if there are only four of them, but they should weigh out to half a pound.
Just Send an Email People
While you might hear others break down the different stages of career development into a bunch of jargon-filled sentences, this sums it up rather nicely. He basically breaks it down into three different stages. The first stage is "I can't wait until I'm important enough to be included in meetings." The second stage is "I feel so important being in these meetings." The third stage is "I will do anything legal and several illegal things to avoid these meetings."
And that pretty much sums up exactly how anyone working at any job ever feels about company meetings and career advancement. So, if you're a manager, the next time you want to call a meeting, just ask yourself if you could achieve the same thing in an email first.
When You Really Dislike Taking Photos
The two dogs in this photo look like they're complete polar opposites. This woman took them to get Christmas photos done, and while the dog on the right has the best smile we've ever seen on a dog, the pup on the left looks like he does not want to be there. We're not sure if his little hat or if he just genuinely doesn't like standing still to take a picture.
Either way, he looks like he's having an existential crisis mid-photo shoot, and we kind of feel for him. Hopefully, the shoot didn't last too long, and he was able to take that hat off quickly.
Group Work Is Highly Overated
We honestly couldn't agree with this woman's tweet anymore. She writes that "This pandemic is the worst group project I've ever been a part of in my life." She's right; the pandemic was just like one large group project, where a couple of members aren't pulling their weight, people are arguing over who should be allowed to make decisions, and the normal members are just doing what they can to hopefully not get a failing grade.
It just goes to show you that humans are a lot less cooperative when forced to work together than most scientists and researchers actually give us credit for.
This Sounds Like It Might Not Turn Out So Well
We have to admit; we were all on board with this person's idea to form a raccoon navy to tackle the world's ocean pollution issue. That is until they suggested that we arm the raccoons with swords. Suddenly, it sounds more like we'd be forming a band of raccoon pirates than an official navy, and we're not sure how we feel about that. Granted, they'd be really adorable pirates.
And they'd probably also take care of the ocean's trash, but what happens when there suddenly isn't any more ocean trash to go around? Where do they turn their swords, then?
Lesson Learned: Just Get Kids Boxes
If a child is under a certain age, there really isn't any point in taking them somewhere like Disneyland when they'd be perfectly happier, maybe even more so, with a cardboard box. Also, they're unlikely to remember that expensive trip if they're really young anyway. This parent pointed that out after her son saw a garbage truck empty the trash outside and wouldn't stop talking about it for nearly half an hour.
However, to be fair, if you've ever seen a large garbage truck in action, those things are pretty cool. And they beat overpaying for a ticket and standing around in the heat.
Catfish a Roommate and Get Them to Clean
Things must be pretty bad in this house or apartment for the roommate to consider resorting to something like this. They say that they're going to pretend to be a hot girl on Tinder and match with their roommate so that he's finally forced to actually clean the apartment. It's kind of genius, but we'd also imagine that it'd only work once unless the roommate was just really gullible.
This could also lead to some long-term trust issues for this guy's roommate, but that's a small sacrifice to pay for having the apartment finally cleaned and looking nice.
Some Things Are Just Tradition
We never actually thought about this until reading this guy's tweet, but he's right. Despite floppy disks not being used for more than 20 years, they're still the save icon on our computers. And in the year 2246, when all diseases have been eradicated and we've come up with a solution for hunger, they're likely still going to be the save icon on people's computers. And we're kind of okay with that.
It's kind of similar to the way that the heart shape used everywhere looks nothing like a real-life heart, yet we still use it. And what would you use as a save icon if not a floppy disk anyway? A USB or something?
The Star Wars Remake We Needed
There's a reason adults still dress up for things like Halloween parties. There's just something fun about dressing up as whatever you want. That said, we imagine it's not that fun to dress up as one of your favorite characters for karate only to get beat down by someone dressed as a taco. That's what this person witnessed when she was walking past a karate dojo filled with kids.
Apparently, the kids were allowed to dress as anything they wanted for Halloween, and a kid decided they wanted to dress up as a taco. It turns out the kid was pretty good at karate too.